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My objective has always been to provide you with information not readily available to the general public so that you can shine at your next church social or cocktail party by dropping a factoid on the group that will make them look at you in wonderment and awe.

This week, I had planned to share with you the nutritional similarities between a dozen avocados and two Snickers bars, something you won’t find anywhere else than on these pages. But before you get out pencil and paper, let me tell you I must postpone the topic until further notice.

In scanning the internet, I came across an article on the website of the Atlanta Newspapers in which they polled city leaders regarding their New Year’s resolutions. Among the respondents was – hold your breath – Puddles Pity Party. I kid you not. Puddles Pity Party is regarded as a leader in Atlanta. Who knew?

Further investigation reveals that Puddles Pity Party is a 6-foot, 8-inch guy from Philadelphia who dresses like a sad white-faced clown and refers to himself in the third-person. Telling you this is troublesome. I worry you will pass that information along at your next church social or cocktail party and after the looks of wonderment and awe you receive, you will decide you don’t need me anymore. That means I would have to go find a real job. Perish the thought.

Fortunately, I have access to some leaders of my own. So, I immediately called Skeeter Skates, owner and operator of Skeeter Skates Tree Stump Removal and Plow Repair in Ryo, Georgia. In addition to being a leader in the stump removal and plow repair industry, Skeeter also currently serves as chair of the Ryo Morning Coffee Club, a collection of Great Americans which includes Walleye, who runs the bait shop over in Red Bud; Booger Bledsoe, who operates a local roadside vegetable stand on State Route 136 near Sugar Valley; and Uncle Coot, recently retired from the porta-potty transportation industry.

I told Skeeter the reason for my call, that a newspaper in Atlanta seeking New Year’s resolutions from leading luminaries in the city had among their respondents a 6-foot, 8-inch, white-faced clown from Philadelphia who calls himself Puddles Pity Party and refers to himself in third-person. I thought my readers would appreciate hearing the resolutions of someone who was none of the above.

“Hoss,” Skeeter said. “You’ve come to the right place. There ain’t no clowns around Ryo, excepting a few politicians and nobody pays them much attention. There sure ain’t nobody from Philadelphia that I know of and we ain’t third persons. There’s four of us persons – me and Booger and Walleye and Uncle Coot, although we have to keep Uncle Coot a good bit downwind from us, given he still shows the effects of a career spent transporting porta-potties.”

I wanted to get Skeeter to the point of my call before he got to talking about the fine art of stump removal and plow repair. He’ll never stop. So, I asked, did he and the members of the Ryo Coffee Club have any New Year’s resolutions to share with us?

“We just have one resolution this year,” Skeeter said. “That’s to get a permit from that bunch in Atlanta that has to do with the environment to let us dip Uncle Coot in the Oothkalooga Creek if we promise it won’t kill all the bream. They said they will have to get back to us. Right now, they are busy trying to find somebody to dig up toothpaste whitener in the Okefenokee swamp. I didn’t know we were short of toothpaste whitener but I do know we need to clean up Uncle Coot before hot weather sets in.”

I told Skeeter our resolutions seemed to be on the same wavelength. I, too, am resolved to see what the bureaucrats and tight-lipped politicians decide to do about digging in our Okefenokee for toothpaste whitener. I’ll leave Uncle Coot’s olfactory challenges to him.

As for Puddles Pity Party, the 6-foot, 8-inch guy from Philadelphia who dresses like a sad white-faced clown and refers to himself in the third-person, he may be a mover-and-shaker in Atlanta but I’ll bet you he has no idea how to remove a stump or repair a plow. That’s why I resolve to stay in touch with Skeeter Skates and members of the Ryo Morning Coffee Club this coming year. They are the real deal. Atlanta can have their clowns.